Dad Jokes | Nature Up Close

Animal Jokes

What do you have if you hold 6 pine cones in one hand and 8 large rocks in the other? Big hands!
What is the difference between a reindeer and a caribou? Caribou don't fly!
A frog got his DNA tested. Turns out he's part Irish, part British, and a tad Pole.
My obese parrot just died. It is a huge weight off my shoulders
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
The snail thought he would be faster if he lost his shell - but he's still a little sluggish.
What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattle-logs.
What do you call a cow during an earthquake? A milkshake.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? "Beef Jerky!"
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account? They were prime mates.
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.
I named my dog 6 miles so I can tell people that I walk 6 miles every day.
Why wouldn't the young crab share his toys? He was feeling shellfish.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles!
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships.
What did the duck say to the bartender? Put it on my bill.
Why do horses have low divorce rates? Because they have stable relationships.
What did the cricket say to the centipede? You're a hundred feet ahead of me!
What do you call a cat that drinks lemonade? A sourpuss
What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

Food & Drink Jokes

How do you make an egg roll? You push it.
I wrote a song about a tortilla. It's more of a wrap.
What is the pope's favorite fish? Holy mackerel
How do hamburgers wear their hair? In a bun.
Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because it felt crumby.
I saw a loaf of sourdough in the zoo! The keeper told me it was bread in captivity.
What's up computers favorite snacks? Micro chips
Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded? All that was left was de Brie.
Why do melons have big weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
What did the thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll.
Why was the baby jalapeño shivering? He was a little chili!
Did you hear about the bakery that burned down? Their business is toast.
What do you call fake spaghetti? An im-pasta!

Word Play & Language Jokes

What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.
Writing my name in cursive is my signature move
What do you say to comfort a friend who's struggling with grammar? There, their, they're.
Russian dolls are so full of themselves.
Where did George Washington keep his armies? In his sleevies.
First rule of Thesaurus Club. You don't talk, converse, discuss, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, gossip or natter about Thesaurus Club

We all know about Murphy's Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole's Law? It's thinly sliced cabbage.

Math & Numbers Jokes

85% of Americans are bad at math. I'm so glad I'm part of the other 25%
There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says 'five beers, please.'
Why 6 was afraid of 7. Because 7 8 9.
19 and 20 got in a fight. 21.
6:30 is hands down the best time of day.

Science & Technology Jokes

Oxygen and potassium went out and it was just OK. But when oxygen and magnesium went out - OMG!!
Why can't you trust atoms? They make up everything.
My printer thinks it is a musical instrument. It is always jamming
The earth is 70% uncarbonated water. Therefore the earth is flat.
What do you call an American bee? A USB

Medical & Health Jokes

I always wanted to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patience.
What do you give a man that has everything? Penicillin.
The doctor told me I'm going deaf. That news was hard for me to hear!
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

Profession & Work Jokes

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.
The CalTrans guy got fired for stealing. When they checked his house, all the signs were there.
I had to fire my lawn mower guy. He just didn't cut it.
I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Midwives deserve a lot of respect. They really help people out.

Supernatural & Spooky Jokes

What do teachers eat when they need a snack? Academia nuts.
What kind of pants does a psychic wear? A paranormal pants.
Why aren't vampires ever invited to parties? They suck the life out of everyone.
What did the vampire say to his spouse? It was love at first bite!
Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
A skeleton walked into a bar and said, "give me a beer and a mop!"

Nature & Weather Jokes

Building & Architecture Jokes

Music & Entertainment Jokes

It was so cold in the concert hall that they chopped up the piano for firewood. They got two cords.
My friends and I have named our band 'Duvet'. It's a cover band.
Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, "Oh no, not U2 again."
A C, an Eb, and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve minors in here."

Sports & Recreation Jokes

Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback.
I wear two pants when I golf just in case I get a hole-in-one.
Do you know why Cinderella was not good at soccer? Because her coach was a pumpkin. And she was always running away from the ball

Marriage & Relationship Jokes

I asked my wife if the cup was half full or half empty. She told me: For the last time, stop wearing my bras.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. 1) I don't listen and 2) I don't remember
How do you get a farm girl to marry you? A tractor.
My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday. That's ridiculous! I didn't even know it was her birthday!
When I swapped my bed for a trampoline, my wife hit the roof!